How Women Suffer...

I received this email from a friend and I must say I laughed out loud... Enjoy!

This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.



My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you must rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace yourself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now that's funny .......Notttttttttt

Going to the dogs

It's Sunday afternoon and I didn't get a nap. I just can't settle down. I've been updating my "My Space" page and Facebook page. I folded laundry. Tried to do laundry but the machines are busy. My greatest home wish is to have a washer/dryer in my condo. It's not allowed. RATS!!!

I have to go feed my brother's dogs, Atilla and Shadow. They are big labradors who think they're chiuhuas. They are the sweetes doggies ever. I also have to feed the hedgehog and 3 tanks full of fish. Man! It's wall to wall animals. Ok so I have the gift of exaggeration - duh?

I just love Sundays. I love reading the Sunday paper. I love going to church. I love catching up on housework (ok I'm lying on that one). But I do love being home. It's my safe place. Where I can do stuff or not.

Do you love being home?

Have you ever had one of those days?

I've been dealing with a situation at work for which I don't think there's a solution. I hate that! I'm a solution kind of person. A former pastor of mine and dear friend once described me as "A Fixer." Nothing makes me crazier than a problem / situation with out a solution.

What I'm constantly learning is that when you're dealing with people often times a solution is not possible.

In this particular situation it seems to me to be coming down to a "he said / she said" situation. Each person has their own perspective on what happened. Unfortunately those perspectives don't match up. Either someone is trying to "scam" me or we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

The problem with that (agree to disagree) is that I don't believe that one of the parties involved wants to hear that or accept that as the result. So now what do I do?

People!! You can't live with them and you can't shoot them. NUTS!!!

I'm glad to have a blog where I can vent. Now it's off to find some advil.

Any thoughts?

Are we having fun yet?

These are supposed to be the lazy hazy days of summer. At least that's what the song says, yet I'm exhausted. I'm sitting here at 4:20 in the afternoon wishing I could crawl into bed and go to sleep. That's just wrong. I guess I'll have to admit that I'm not as young as I used to be.

This past week has flown by. Here are some highlights:

• It's hot in the 3rd floor attic at UBC
• It's just as hot on the 2nd floor
• It's even hotter, hauling music and stuff down to a truck
• Menopausal women should not labor in the heat. It's simply not pretty.
• I don't remember ever sweating this much. (Maybe some pounds melted away)
• A St. Patrick's Day Pageant is ever so much funnier than a Christmas one.
• If you kiss a guy who's front teeth are capped in metal, it's like chewing on aluminum foil
• Pay attention where you park your car, your destination may just be across the street
• Thank God for strong teenagers who can haul stuff
• Marlins Win!

And now it's Monday again. There you have my week in a nutshell.

How was yours?

Life goes on

So I've been waiting to post on the blog until I got inspired and as you can see it's been awhile. I just realized that life isn't always inspiring. Many every day happenings can kill any inspiration that may be in the wings. Inspiration doesn't just come. You've got to look for it.

So I'm going to carry on here with a bit of stream of consciousness. I'm sitting here watching Live Earth. The messages/mini movies are great. I'm getting old cause I've never heard of some of the artists performing. This one girl is singing now and I'm wondering how she became famous. Pitch must not be important anymore to become a famous singer. Much less having a lyric that makes sense.

Dating services suck. How does one meet people do date? Girls its hard to find a companion when you get old - I do realize that 48 isn't necessarily old but you'd think that based on how men choose women. It's nuts. I recently signed with both eharmony and match.com. I'm quitting them. You email guys and they don't respond. If they can't see your picture they bail. It just sucks.

The lesson here is learn to be content with yourself. If you're looking for a relationship as an answer to your life issues, forget it, not going to happen. I'm generally content with my life. I just thought it would be nice to have a date maybe even two. Oh well.

I'm tired of rainy gray days. But my plants look pretty.

Anybody have any thoughts you wanna share?